Practical Strategies to Become a Strength Giver

In the initial stages of my parenting journey, I faced significant challenges. What I truly required was not someone to resolve my issues, but rather a compassionate observer who could validate my experience. The individual who attempts to fix everything seeks to shoulder our loads directly, whereas

In the initial stages of my parenting journey, I faced significant challenges. What I truly required was not someone to resolve my issues, but rather a compassionate observer who could validate my experience. The individual who attempts to fix everything seeks to shoulder our loads directly, whereas the true strength giver empowers us from within.

Question: What are some practical ideas for becoming a strength giver?

A close friend named Sean posed this thoughtful question to me recently, and here's the response I provided to him.

The tendency to act as a fixer often represents a quick fix approach. When we spot a difficulty or a gap in someone's life, we rush headlong into what we believe is the perfect remedy or fulfillment. However, this impulsive action causes us to overlook numerous essential elements in the process.

Primarily, we skip the vital step of acknowledgment. Instead of first expressing, "That sounds incredibly tough," we leap straight to suggestions like, "Here's how to simplify it."

We bypass genuine empathy and the power of truly witnessing their struggle. Phrases like, "I see you tackling this challenging situation," are neglected. Consequently, the individual may end up feeling invisible or undervalued. The focus shifts entirely to the issue at hand or the proposed resolution, leaving the person's own identity overshadowed and forgotten.

Furthermore, we fail to grasp their unique perspective on how the situation appears and feels to them personally, because we impose our own viewpoint with statements like, "This is how I perceive it."

We also disregard their personal agency. We proclaim, "Allow me to relieve you of this weight," without first inquiring whether they desire such intervention. It's possible they are already managing it effectively, rendering our eager fixes unnecessary.

In the framework of processing struggles, we attempt to vault directly to the stage of profound realization, such as "Holy Shit," while ignoring the preliminary phases like "Oh Shit," "What is this shit?" or even the initial questioning of "Is this really shit?"

With that in mind, let's explore some actionable methods to function as a strength giver instead of defaulting to the fixer role.

Listen Intentionally

I came across an insightful article not long ago that outlined two common default modes of listening: the problem-solver and the identifier. I must admit, I'm frequently prone to both. Operating from a fixer's perspective during conversations makes me quick to label various issues, ideas, emotions, or observations as puzzles demanding immediate solutions. This mindset propels me toward providing answers or fixes rather than lingering in a space of genuine curiosity and empathy.

Pose Thoughtful Questions

One effective strategy to prevent premature conclusions is to consistently ask open-ended questions. Delve into their current reality: What's happening in their world right now? How is this experience affecting them? Which aspects feel most daunting? What holds the greatest significance for them? What truly matters in this context? What support do they require? What are their aspirations here? What are their thoughts on the matter? This approach ignites curiosity and fosters deep empathy. Shift the emphasis squarely onto their narrative, setting aside your own assumptions. The goal is authentic understanding.

Recognize and Affirm Their Inner Strength

Take time to observe carefully, reflect back what you notice, and validate their experiences. Ensure they feel truly seen and acknowledged. Ironically, our well-intentioned offers of assistance and solutions can sometimes inadvertently undermine someone's inherent resilience by implying they require repair. Consider how your engagements with others might transform if you approached them not as individuals in need of your intervention, but as capable beings in their own right. Author and illustrator Charles Mackesy exemplifies this approach masterfully in his work:

Provide Genuine Presence

This is a gift we are fully capable of offering, and it doesn't always necessitate verbal expression. A simple gaze, an embrace, a reassuring squeeze of the hand, or physical touch can convey profound solidarity. As spiritual teacher Pema Chödrön describes compassion, it involves remaining in the darkness alongside someone without the compulsion to illuminate it prematurely. Such presence communicates immense support, allowing the recipient to absorb it freely without the pressure to respond in kind.

Extend Love Unconditionally

Share love not as a targeted remedy for their troubles or an attempt to uplift their mood, but purely and simply as an act of love. There's a stark contrast between saying, "You appear completely overwhelmed—let me handle everything for you," and more nurturing alternatives like, "I'd genuinely enjoy preparing a meal for you. May I cook dinner this evening?" or "I picked this up because it reminded me of you," rather than "I bought this item thinking it might cheer you up."

Reflecting deeper, is strength truly something we can bestow upon others? Even in everyday expressions like "give me strength," the underlying intent is more nuanced: "Provide me with the fuel, patience, clarity, purpose, meaning, or a reminder of my true self... so that I can tap into, cultivate, or expand my own inner strength." Of course, the shorthand "give me strength" packs far more punch!

What additional approaches have you discovered for imparting strength and embodying the role of a strength giver? In your own experiences, what actions from others have awakened your personal resilience? I'm eager to hear your insights.