Practical Ways to Become a Strength Giver Instead of a Fixer

In the initial stages of my parenting journey, I faced significant challenges. What I truly required during those times was not someone to resolve my issues, but rather a compassionate observer who could validate my experiences. The Difference Between a Fixer and a Strength Giver The fixer instincti

In the initial stages of my parenting journey, I faced significant challenges. What I truly required during those times was not someone to resolve my issues, but rather a compassionate observer who could validate my experiences.

The Difference Between a Fixer and a Strength Giver

The fixer instinctively attempts to lift the weight off someone's shoulders. In contrast, the strength giver empowers them by providing the inner fortitude to carry on.

Question: What Are Some Practical Ideas for Becoming a Strength Giver?

A close friend named Sean posed this thoughtful question to me recently, and here's the advice I offered in response.

Acting as a fixer often represents a quick fix or shortcut. When we spot a difficulty or a gap in someone's life, we immediately leap to what we believe is the ideal remedy or way to fulfill that need. However, this approach causes us to overlook crucial elements in the process.

First and foremost, we skip the vital step of acknowledgment. Instead of pausing to express, "That sounds incredibly tough," we rush ahead with suggestions like, "Here's how to simplify it."

We also bypass genuine empathy and true witnessing. Phrases like "I see you tackling this challenging situation" get neglected, leaving the individual feeling invisible and undervalued. The focus shifts entirely to the issue at hand or the proposed fix, causing the person's own identity and emotions to fade into the background.

Furthermore, we fail to grasp their unique perspective on how the situation appears and feels to them personally, because we impose our own viewpoint with statements like "This is how I perceive it."

Most importantly, we disregard their personal agency. We declare, "Allow me to relieve you of this load," without first inquiring if they even desire such intervention. It's possible they are already managing it effectively, rendering our eager fixes unnecessary.

In the framework of processing struggles, fixers tend to propel someone directly to the "Holy Shit" moment of profound realization, skipping essential phases like "Oh Shit" (initial shock), "What is this shit?" (exploration), or even confirming "Is this really shit?" (validation).

Practical Strategies to Act as a Strength Giver Rather Than a Fixer

Prioritize Active Listening

I came across an insightful article that outlined two common default modes of listening: the problem-solver and the identifier. I must admit, I frequently fall into both categories myself. Operating from a fixer's perspective makes me prone to labeling every concern, idea, emotion, or observation as a puzzle demanding immediate resolution. Consequently, I default to providing answers or solutions rather than lingering in a space of genuine curiosity and empathy.

Pose Thoughtful Questions

This technique helps me resist the temptation to offer premature solutions. By consistently asking open-ended questions, I stay engaged. Inquire about their current experience: What's happening in their world right now? How is this affecting them personally? Which aspects feel most daunting? What holds the greatest significance for them? What truly matters in this context? What support do they require? What are their desires here? What are their thoughts on the matter? This practice ignites curiosity and fosters deep empathy. Shift the emphasis entirely to their narrative, setting aside your own agenda. The goal is to truly comprehend their reality.

Recognize and Affirm Their Inner Strength

Take time to observe closely, reflect thoughtfully, and validate sincerely. Ensure they feel truly seen and appreciated. Unintentionally, we can undermine someone's resilience by jumping in with assistance or fixes, implying they are deficient and require our intervention. Imagine how your relationships would transform if you approached others not as individuals in need of your rescue, but as capable beings in their own right. Author Charles Mackesy exemplifies this approach masterfully in his work.

Cultivate Mindful Presence

This is a gift we all possess the ability to offer, and it doesn't always require verbal expression. A simple gaze, an embrace, a reassuring squeeze of the hand, or gentle touch can convey profound solidarity. As spiritual teacher Pema Chödrön describes compassion, it involves remaining by someone's side in their darkness without rushing to illuminate it prematurely. Such presence communicates immense support that can be quietly absorbed, without the pressure to respond in kind.

Extend Pure, Unconditional Love

Share love not as a targeted remedy for their troubles or an attempt to uplift their spirits, but simply as an authentic expression of care. There's a stark contrast between saying, "You appear completely overwhelmed—let me handle everything for you," and offering, "I'd genuinely enjoy preparing a meal for you. May I cook dinner this evening?" Similarly, consider the difference between "I picked this up to brighten your day" and "This reminded me of you, so I thought you'd appreciate it."

Reflecting deeper, one might wonder if strength is truly something we can bestow upon others. Even in common expressions like "give me strength," the underlying intent is more nuanced: "Provide me with the fuel, patience, clarity, purpose, meaning, or reminder of my true self... so that I can tap into, utilize, or cultivate my own inherent strength." Of course, the shorthand "give me strength" packs a more visceral punch!

What additional methods have you discovered for imparting strength and embodying the role of a strength giver? In what ways have others supported you that awakened your own resilience? Your insights would be greatly appreciated.